Jeg er en hA?rtaper

ILLUSTRASJON: TORA KYLLINGSTAD

ILLUSTRASJON: TORA KYLLINGSTAD

Ai?? miste hA?ret er en dans pA? nevroser.

Apropos

Apropos er den frie spalten der Studvest-journalistene kan skrive om akkurat det de vil. SprA?ket er ofte i muntlig form, og med et glimt i A?yet. OBS! Spalten har hA?y forekomst av satire, sarkasme og ironi, og bA?r tas med en klype (noenAi??ganger en neve) salt.

 

BjA?rn Vilberg byline

TEKST AV: BjA?rn Vilberg (a.k.a. BjA?rn Vikberg). FOTO: LENE RISHOLT THORBJA?RNSEN

Det kommer krypende mens du sover. Etter hvert som natt blir til dag, dag blir til uke, og uke blir til A?r, begynner du A? se forandringen. Issen blir mer og mer naken, du blir mer og mer fortvilet. Ta det fra meg, en som har brukt de siste tre A?rene pA? A? akseptere at jeg mister hA?ret: Det er faktisk verdens undergang.

For det fA?rste kommer alle vennene dine til A? konstant gjA?re narr av deg. De kommer til A? snu alle verbale steiner i forsA?ket pA? A? nedverdige deg enda litt mer enn genene dine allerede har klart A? gjA?re. Blant annet har jeg fA?tt kallenavnene Ai??VikaneAi??, Ai??VikersundAi?? og Ai??VikbergAi??.

Ai??VenneneAi?? mine elsker A? gestikulere mot vikene mine og spA?rre Ai??NA?r blir du skalla a, BjA?rn?Ai??. Da ler jeg litt kleint og jatter med. Ai??Ikke snart, hA?per jeg, hehe,Ai?? svarer jeg. Samtidig dA?r jeg av skam pA? innsiden.

For det andre, sA? kommer det som lyn fra skyfri himmel. Jeg var et flott guttebarn med en lA?vemanke de fleste ville vAi??rt sjalu pA?. Plutselig en dag begynte den A? forsvinne. Aldri mer BjA?rn HA?rfagre, hello BjA?rn Willis.

For det tredje er det faktisk ikke noe som hjelper mot hA?rtap. Jeg har bA?de googlet og yahooet, men aldri funnet et eneste kjerringrA?d eller eksperttips som gjelder. Ja, jeg har til og med vAi??rt sA? langt nede at jeg tydde til sA?kemotoren Kvasir (den finnes faktisk fortsatt!), men heller ikke der, i verdensvevens mest glemte avkrok, var det hjelp A? finne.

Ai??Du mA? bare begynne A? bruke balsamAi??, fortalte en venn meg. Jeg gikk pA? Kiwi og kjA?pte den jeg tenkte passet best til mine behov. Da jeg sendte snap av den, fikk jeg svaret Ai??HVA, FIRSTPRICE, ER DU DUM??Ai??. Ja, dum er jeg, for etter A? ha brukt den i en uke kunne jeg sverge pA? at hA?ret forsvant fortere enn fA?r jeg begynte A? pleie det. Ai??Does alcoholism cause hair lossAi?? har jeg sA?kt pA? opptil flere ganger. Ja, sier ekspertene, men de forstA?r visst ikke at en gjennomsnittsstudent bestA?r av cirka 30 prosent alkohol, noe som gjA?r det tilnAi??rmet umulig A? kutte ut A?len jeg drikker hver onsdag.

For det fjerde, sA? kan man ikke jA?le seg like mye mer. Jeg er ikke sA? forferdelig forfengelig, men skal Ai??rlig innrA?mme at en velstylet sveis ser jAi??vlig bra ut. Misunnelsen sprer seg som ild i tA?rt gress nA?r jeg ser BI-guttene gA? forbi meg med sleiken og sidecuten og midtskillen.

Det er rett og slett ikke noe hA?p for oss som befinner oss nederst pA? den genetiske rangstigen.

Jaja, jeg trenger i hvert fall ikke bruke en milliard kroner pA? hA?rprodukter. Jeg kan bruke dem pA? A?l i stedet.

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