Slik blir du et seksuelt fort

Siren Gunnarshaug 1

FOTO: TORIL SUNDE APELTHUN

Mitt fort har fA?tt en vollgrav. En vollgrav av gummi, hvor bare utvalgte riddere slippes over broen.

APROPOS

Apropos er den frie spalten der Studvest-journalistene kan skrive om akkurat det de vil. SprA?ket er ofte i muntlig form, og med et glimt i A?yet. OBS! Spalten har hA?y forekomst av satire, sarkasme og ironi, og bA?r tas med en klype (noenAi??ganger en neve) salt.

For jeg er nemlig det. Et seksuelt fort, altsA?. Med det mener jeg altsA? at jeg er en sunn blomst. Rein som en flaske antibac, vil jeg pA?stA?.

Roma ble ikke bygget pA? en dag. PA? samme mA?te tok det hele A?tte A?r fA?r mitt fort sto oppreist, og jeg slutta A? vAi??re sint. Ai??Hva!? I A?tte A?r?Ai??, tenker vel du nA?. Ai??tte A?r var nemlig tiden det tok fA?r jeg sluttet A? proppe i meg helvetespastiller: P-piller.

Jeg var et irritabelt menneske, en illsint okse som sA? rA?dt oftere enn Maos kommunistundersA?tter. SA? da ble det bestemt at jeg ikke kunne svAi??lje hormoner lenger. Det A?vre sluket mitt skulle vAi??re forbeholdt andre legemer. Mitt fokus skulle rettes mot den nedre seksjonen. Jeg skulle fA? spiral.

Livmoren min fikk bakoversveis. Det er jo sA?nn som trebarnsmA?dre fA?r, og peppermA?ene pA? godt over 30 A?r som ikke orker tanken pA? A? knipe ut enda et nytt verdensmedlem. Men beskjeden fra legen var klar: Der tok jeg grundig feil. Prevensjonsmiddelet er tydeligvis bA?de vanlig, og har fordeler. Utenom det faktum at du fA?r i deg en vesentlig mindre porsjon med hormoner, er det ogsA? lavere risiko for blodpropp og den varer i fem A?r. Du leste riktig, i FEM A?r. Der har du langtidsinvestering, der.

Men det gjorde visstnok vondt, da. Det var minuset. Jeg spurte igjen: Ai??Et par minutter med smerte for fem A?r med nytelse?Ai??. Svaret var Ai??jaAi??, og jeg tvilte ikke et sekund. Legen skulle fA? putte hva han ville inni meg, bare jeg fikk de A?rene. Datoen ble satt.

FA?rAi??jeg skulle ligge i fA?destilling med en mann mellom beina, mA?tte jeg imidlertid gjennom et par tester. FA?rst og fremst var det viktig A? ta en graviditetstest, men ogsA? kjA?nnssykdommer burde lukes bort fA?r spiralen skulle tres inn i meg. Litt gynekologisk undersA?kelse mA?tte til. Greit A? vite at alt stA?r bra til, var vel konklusjonen. Ai??Du kommer jo til A? bli et seksuelt fort nA?r du er ferdigAi??, sa kollegaen min.

Og der startet alt. For nA?r bA?de prA?vene og spiralen var inne, fA?lte jeg meg bedre enn pA? lenge. Ren og pen innvendig og utvendig. Jeg proklamerte til brosteinsbyen at vollgraven som hadde vAi??rt stengt, nA? var A?pen. Videre dro jeg til hovedstaden og meldte at det var en grunn til at det hA?ljregna akkurat nA?r jeg var pA? besA?k. Hvem trenger sol, sommer og strand, nA?r du kan bade i det reneste kildevannet?

Liten sidenote der, vi mA? tilbake til poenget: Det er jo sA? stas A? fA?le seg sA? bra. Klamydiadagen nAi??rmer seg. Vil du starte pA? reisen til A? bli et seksuelt fort, sA? er det stedet A? begynne. Eventuelt ta en tur innom legen. KjA?nnssykdommer er sA? A? si like kjipt som sengekos er jysla digg. Ta ansvar!

Og ja, et tips er A? bruke kondom, uansett. Spiralen holder ikke slufsa eller oljeriggen rein for alltid. Men jeg anbefaler den likevel, da.

Signatur_Siren Gunnarshaug

Ai??

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